Monday, July 22, 2013

{More Like Him} Tearing Myself Down, most of the time...I like to make things look all honky dory.  And, that's honest for the most part.  Life really is good.  Really.  Praise Jesus!!!
But there is a part of me that really struggles.  Inside.  Sometimes it has to do with my role as a wife or as a parent or as a homeschool mama.  Sometimes, more often than not, it has to do with how I look - what I perceive as physical flaws - and I verbally beat myself up.  I am so hard on myself.  Too critical.
I've been in a funk recently.  Like maybe the worst one ever.  I'm struggling to rise above the things I'm saying to myself...  Lies, I know...
"You're not not at all."
"Goodness gracious, look at those dimply thighs..."
"What the heck?  Acne???  You're 36!!!  Get it under control!"
"You look terrible in that shirt.  You belly is stretchy and squishy and poochy.  You still look pregnant!"
"Where are your training bras, you saggy, shrinking flat board?...sob, sob, sob."
"Don't smile...too many wrinkles and fine lines. Oh, and yellowing, crooked teeth.  Yuck."
"You're old and you look old.  And you look really bad.  And old.  In case you hadn't noticed."
And so it goes...and much worse, too...
Most of the time I stuff these feelings down and don't talk with anyone about them.  However, a few weeks ago, it all came to a boiling point and I shared all these thoughts and many others with my husband.  And you know what he said to all the things I hate about myself... "Kiley, I would have never described you {physically} by any of the characteristics you mentioned...  You are beautiful."  And he said a lot more, too, but that's only for my ears and heart...
Later, we read a devotional that said the following..."Our Creator has "honored" us by the precious gift of His Son.  His gift has declared our worth and value.  Who am I that I should devalue what God has honored by the gift of His Son?  To demean, neglect, or ridicule {myself} is to trample on the blood of Christ.  Might this truth encourage my lips to speak only those things that edify... Remembering the great value that God has placed on {me} makes it more difficult to say hurtful words."
"For you know that is was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed...but with the precious blood of Christ..."  I Peter 1:18-19
Do you think it was a coincidence to read this devotional that night or was it, perhaps, God-ordained?  Yup, it was God.  No question.  God speaking directly to my heart.
And so, I struggle with abusive thoughts toward myself.  And I struggle to see that my value that rises above physical characteristics.
But I have a Savior and a Godly husband who speak the truth I cannot speak to myself. 
I will listen.  I will learn.  I will repeat.  I will believe. 
And I will give myself grace in the meantime...


Tarah said...

I need to give myself that same grace. thanks for the reminder.

Abigail said...

I think many women struggle with this. I've found that since marriage, I don't really give a hoot anymore about my lumpy and/or flat parts, due in large part to a husband who doesn't give a hoot. :) It's wonderful to be reminded of the truth by one's husband and for him to reflect the love Christ has for the Church, which is as far removed from being tied to physical appearance as anything possibly can be. Mike is spot on, and you can cling to those truths that are easy to *know* but often hard to feel.

Lora said...

thank you for posting this. i needed to read your words. :) lora

jaime ♥ raising up rubies said...

hmmmm... so much truth here. for all of us girls.
the enemy is so so good at telling us we are not enough ... i struggle mostly with the inside chatter in relation to my role as mom ... but only because i give him a foothold, does he go there... he knows where i'm weak, so his attacks are specific. thankfully our Father knows our weaknesses ... i keep reminding myself when i feel hopelessness, that He put them there. He created us with those weaknesses. if i cling, He will pull me through the attempts to bring me under. because they come so often.

i've been holding tightly to exodus 14.14 the past few weeks. i need not fight. only be still... so i've been trying to be still and listen to the voice of truth and let Him drown out the inside chatter that is so destructive to me ... so destructive. i'm in the boat with ya girl, i'll help ya row :)
thanks for sharin your heart. being vulnerable... prayin for you this week, that HE'LL be the author of our inside chatter. sound good? ♥