My day didn't start out too badly. In fact, Sadie and I had some quiet time together, snuggling, reading Scripture, and listening to a few worship favorites on youtube. But somewhere between trying to get Isaac to eat his lunch and Sadie not taking a good morning nap, it became "one of those days" that I feel sorry for myself...you know, when all four children are sick and I've wiped a thousand noses, I'm tired because no one is sleeping well which means I'm not sleeping well, I had to drink boring creamer in my coffee because I haven't gone grocery shopping, I am wearing my husband's deodorant because mine ran out yesterday, I used my children's bubble gum toothpaste for the fourth day in a row, I've held the needy, sick baby all day long - and Monday and Sunday, I developed itchy ring worm on my forearm Monday morning and even though I know it's not actually a worm I don't fully believe it, AND I made pizza again for the 3rd time in a week - my new desperation dinner.
But worst of all, I've done a really bad job parenting today. Sometimes it's so hard to break free from the self-pity and act in a way that is righteous and God-honoring. I've been snippy and short-tempered. I feel justified in doing so. Oh, the gravity of my sin to even believe that I have a "right" to feel this way. Today hasn't been easy. But I haven't chosen to make it any easier and that lies solely on my shoulders. I have chosen a bad attitude. I have chosen to get frustrated. I have chosen to be selfish and not stop what I'm doing to deal with the kiddos. I have chosen to sin and sin and sin. And in the back of my mind there is this thought that keeps telling me to stop, to come to my Lord and lay my sins at His feet. How long will I ignore the Holy Spirit's warnings?
I suppose I really do need to leave on that jet plane. But this isn't about me needing a "break" from the children because I "deserve" it. It isn't about getting "girl time." It isn't about filling my evening with things of the world that mamas are told we need - a chance to "get out", shopping for new clothes, a massage, a job or group outside of the home that gives my life "meaning" and "satisfaction", ad nauseam, etc., and so on.
I need to leave to make it right with the Lord. I need quiet time to saturate myself in Scripture. Or maybe I just need to saturate myself in Scripture in the midst of all the noise because sometimes I just can't get away on that jet plane. Better yet, I could take everyone with me and read the Scripture out loud, sing worship songs, and pray. As a family. What a difference that would make. For all of us.
I'm leaving on a jet plane. I'll have better attitude when I come back again...
4 comments:
Oh my word, Kiley. We had the same kind of day here. I even took the boys out to a local donut store late in the afternoon for a sugar rush and there still was whining! Thanks for being honest. I will try to heed your recommended salve - the balm of scripture.
Can I help any? Home cooked meal? Babysitting? Run to the market for you? I enjoy going to wegmans now that I can drop nate off in the playroom :-)
Oh my, Kiley! We wrote close to the same exact post today. Yet, I moved mine to trash soon after composing it...thinking to myself...no one wants to hear how I am really doing. And yet, I REALLY WANTED TO HEAR HOW YOU WERE. I love your transparency, your love for Jesus, your hope that we will be resurrected with Him if we die to self and just LOVE HIM! You bless my socks. You made me smile after my cry. Love you! Linda
Wow! Thanks SO MUCH!! I have felt so very much like this lately!! :) Thank you for sharing. I think a lot of us are learning this lesson right now...
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